Friend: He opened the door for you! How sweet.
Me: Uh… no. It wasn’t sweet. It's what you call “being a gentleman”.
Friend: Well, I think it was sweet of him.
Me: ...there are two kinds of people in the world...
Friend: He got you flowers! AW! That’s so romantic.
Me: …Um. I suggested he get them, because I didn't have this variety yet and I'm a cheapskate...
Friend: OMG. (facepalm)
Friend: He sends you presents in the mail? AW! That is so cute!
Me: Yeah. Now I've got to find a way to get rid of all of it. I mean, a giant unicorn teddy bear? Seriously? How much do you think I can get for it?
Friend: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Boy to me: I’ll support you in whatever you want to do. ♥
Friend: (OMG, that was SO sweet! Why doesn't a boy ever tell me that?)
Me to boy: Aw! Thanks, dude! It honestly wouldn’t have mattered a hill of beans to me if you had or had not supported me, but the thought is really appreciated (gives him a punch in the arm)
Friend: (Facepalm. Why am I her friend again?)
Friend: You came over to watch Pride and Prejudice with me, and you spend the entire movie writing in a notebook?
Me: I'm writing P&P fanfiction.
Friend: Really? I'm... surprised. Is it about Mr. and Mrs. Darcy?
Me: No. It's about her sister, Kitty, accidentally getting stabbed repeatedly by a pair of scissors... and then turning into a vampire and getting her heart stabbed by vampire hunters.
Friend: (throws arms in the air, leaves the room)
Walking down the street with a friend and I see a man walking a puppy.
Me: OMG! A puppy! Eeee! It’s so adorable. I have to cuddle it!
After hugging the puppy and walking away…
Friend: He was hot.
Me: Who? What?
Friend: The puppy owner!
Me:… oh… yeah…
Friend: You didn’t even look at him did you? All you saw was the puppy, wasn’t it?
Me:......... I plead the fifth........
Friend: (Facepalm) I should’ve gotten his number!
Me: That’s creepy! Who goes around asking random puppy owners for their number? If you want to puppy-sit for him, hand him a card... or steal his puppy!
Friend: You’re hopeless.
Friend: So, you know that one guy? The really hot one? He said he thought you were beautiful.
Me: Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I realized I was beautiful the moment I saw myself in the mirror for the first time.
Friend: Why am I friends with you again?
Me: Because I’m beautiful.(Cheesy Smile)
Me while writing a romantic scene in my book.
Keegan looked at her, watching as she braided her long golden hair, and…. he....
He.... what does he feel? Twitterpated? Constipated? No. That's not it. He.... um...... OH FORGET IT!
Keegan felt something jump in his chest. Was that a heart? He had a heart? That was new… Wait… HE WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!
Keegan cried out and clutched at his chest, “ARHG! AAAHG! The agony!”
He fell to the ground, writhing in pain.
Erewhon ran up to him and pulled his head onto her lap, her eyes wide in terror. Tears started to stream down her face as she watched him take is last breaths.
“Don’t die. Please.” She sobbed, “You still haven’t paid for our meal!”
Random hot guy: So, what's a good lookin' girl like you doing in a place like this?
Me: Missing Dungeons & Dragons night and sorely regretting it.
Old man: Don't you have a boyfriend yet?
Old man: Your folks scarin' them boys away, eh?
Me: If you know of any tender young men who are desperate for a relationship, please send them my way. My dragons are getting hungry.
Me to a boy that I really like: So..... want to hang out sometime?
Boy that I like: Yeah! When and where?
Me: How about Saturday, at the park?
Boy: Sounds good. Cool! Can't wait!
Me: Actually, never mind. I just realized I'd rather stay at home and write books.
Boy: Oh.... Can I come over, then, and hang out?
Me: Because you would distract me from writing.
Boy: Oh. Well, that's okay. I'll just go hang out with this other girl then. No biggie! TTYL!
Me: (Why, Kat? WHY?........I hate myself...... now I can't focus on writing..... time to break out the cookies and play World of Warcraft by myself... again...)
I play a Bard in Dungeons and Dragons. She is smooth as honey and has a dozen boys on a string. I crack my friends up when I play like her because I am NOTHING like her when it comes to flirting.
Half-orc: I don't have many friends, because of my temper and bad looks. It's pretty lonely being me.
My bard: Take me out for a drink, love, and you won't be lonely any more. ♥
In Real Life:
Random dude: I don't have a lot of friends, 'cause of my temper. And I ain't that much to look at, so I don't have a girlfriend either. I'd just like to hang out with someone and not be so lonely.
Me: Well, don't look at me! I ain't a sympathy vending machine! Learn some self control, get a toupee, and put a smile on every once in a while, and you'll have a lot better luck making friends.
This random little bit of writing I'm posting branched from a random dream I had a long time ago.
Yep. I had a dream about Ramen Noodles. And when I woke up from that dream, this runt of a story came to my mind. It's coming from the perspective of a girl who would be me, if I lived in an apartment. It was cute, so I wrote it down, then forgot about it... until I found it the other day and decided to post it on here.
So, here is your little bit of odd randomness for the day. Enjoy!
Ramen Noodles. They are the cheapest and easiest meal a person can get. You can mix them into new and exciting recipies, and you can pack a lifetime supply of them into a tin can (figuratively speaking, of course). That’s why I like them.
In the eyes of other people, though, if you buy Ramen Noodles, you are living under a bridge, wearing rags, and begging for money.
At least, I’m pretty sure that when people see when they see me buying Ramen Noodles... even though I live in a tiny town and everyone knows I don't live that way.
I suspect they all think this way, because:
a) the ladies at church are constantly ordering me to come get goods from the food bank and
b) the elderly lady who lives in the apartment under me keeps buying extra groceries and sending them up to me.
Honestly, I don’t mind people thinking I’m poor, even though I’m not. When people think you’re poor, you get to see the real person under the mask, and they treat you realistically. They hate you and leave you alone, pity you and leave you alone, ignore you and leave you alone, or they give you free stuff all the time!
Now, just to be clear, I don’t like getting free stuff. I am a minimalist. I hate having stuff. Stuff clutters up your life, makes you stress about keeping it organized, and when you die, all your relatives fight over it.
Stuff is not worth it.
Food, on the other hand, is consumable and surviving relatives don’t care who gets the food.
Which brings us back to the Ramen Noodles...
As I said, they are cheap (money saver), take up very little space (space saver), cook fast (time saver), and make a fair impression on everyone who sees me buying them. So, I have a cupboard full of them. And I eat them regularly.
I know, I know! Ramen Noodles aren’t healthy for you. Everyone in my life has told me that. But there is a lot of other food in the world that is even more unhealthy… like Twinkies...
But, to make sure I stay in shape and keep those Ramen Noodles from sending me to the cemetery to live with all the other victims of Ramen Noodle overdose (scarsm alert), I drink a bunch of purified water every day, take my vitamins every day, make my own fruit juice every day, and take my dog on long walks every day. How those things extend my lifespan, I do not know (because 100% of healthy people die, last I checked), but if it makes my mother happy to know that I am "living a healthy lifestyle", then that cures half my problems right there. Because, as everyone knows: if momma ain't happy, then ain't NOBODY happy.
I've been doing some job hunting around town, and you know what I've found? A lot of people are eager to hire me, but they want me to fill out these stupid applications... and, as I look at my answers on some of these applications, I'm afraid I may be too sarcastic for anyone to consider hiring me....
Q: "Do you prefer part time or full time?"
A: Doesn't matter to me, because, for the wage you pay, both options are just slavery in a job's clothing.
Q: "Why are you applying for a job with us?"
A: Because authors aren't appreciated until they've died tragically, or of natural causes. With how poorly your employees follow health and safety protocols, I figure this is the best place to make a tragic death happen. That, and I've heard your business provides more than enough suspicious content for an author with writer's block to write an entire series of spicy crime novels.
Q: "Why did you quit your last job?"
A: Do you "quit" the mafia? No. You don't. But slavery is illegal, the mafia is sketchy, and I'd like to actually make some money for the work I do. Just don't tell my former boss that, or you and I both might end up swimming with the fishes. As far as he knows, I'm still working for him.
"To apply as a real estate content writer, please submit two short property descriptions."
Property 1 description: "This piece of land has real potential as a cactus farm, and, because of the abundance of naturally growing, gorgeous prickly pear, you'll never have to worry about kids walking through your yard."
Property 2 description: "One word, dude: Marijuana. I found a massive stash here, and the highest bidder will get the map with the hidden location."
Example newspaper report on the FFA livestock competition:
The pigs were cute. The cows were cute. The animals were all cute. The kids were not so cute. The levels of methane and armpit stink were undoubtedly at unsafe levels, and the building really needs more windows and an air conditioner. I'm pretty sure I have mold and fungus growing in my nostrils now. The city needs to cut the crap and upgrade their stupid outdated equipment in these public buildings before they get called out for endangering public health and safety.
Example news report on the recent football game:
I got food poisoning from the concession stand and gas from the cheerleaders who weren't cheering and weren't wearing bras. These are the scores that I saw flash across the board between dry heaves....xxxx..... and WHAT IS WITH THE CANNONS, PEOPLE?! Is it not obvious by all the screaming and cheering and Facebook posts and the car littered streets that you are all watching a football game? Must you have cannons as well? Must you announce to the world through endless cannon fire that you are in your place of worship and observing the sacred ritual of the pigskin?
You hopeless barbarians.
Example news report on recent oil activity:
XXX Inc. drilled a hopeful new oil well on the 20th of June. "This is very good for the business. It's been a long time since we've had a well that could pump 50,000 barrels a day." The head honcho dude with a full name told me the day after they struck oil. The company told me then that they hope to increase the output of oil by putting the well through a fracking process. The frack job was scheduled and done on August 2nd. Now, after those fracking frackers fracked a perfectly good oil well, it is now producing a massive, fracking 20 barrels a day.
"It's the most disappointing well we have EVER had." Said the fracking head honcho after the fracking job got fracked up. The business has informed me that they intend to keep the oil well alive merely for the fracking government subsidies to pay for the fracking job.
"Please write an example letter of reminder of payment due..."
Hey! Do you live under a rock? If you don't, you soon will be! If you don't pay your electric bill soon, your electric will be unplugged, your frozen TV dinners will thaw, your microwave won't work to cook them, and your TV will cease to function. Without your TV, you won't know when the aliens attack! And without your frozen TV dinners and microwave oven, you won't be able to outlast the alien invasion!
Don't give the aliens a chance. Pay your electric bill. Keep your freezer and TV on. Save the world. Thwart the alien invasion.
Payment is due by ...xxxx....
If you fail to comply, the alien invasion will begin and you will be Predator's first snack.
This is your final warning.
Have a nice day!
Author of the fantasy series, Tales of the Wovlen, Kathryn spends a great deal of time in the world of her imagination, having tea with fire breathing dragons, writing books on flying space ships, and practicing her mad scientist laugh with gusto. However, on occasion,she returns to this world just to play with her dog and blog about her fun.
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